Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your STOOOORYYY: Infinity War Wrap Up

DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THERE ARE SPOILERS IN THIS

WHY ARE YOU READING THIS IF YOU DON'T WANT SPOILERS

SPOILERS OBVIOUSLY

DUH SPOILERS

LIKE SERIOUSLY COME ON NOW

AT THIS POINT YOU ONLY HAVE YOURSELF TO BLAME

I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN DAMMIT

Ok, hello there.  If you are here, then you have either already seen Infinity War or you don't care about spoilers.  I don't know why you are here if you haven't seen the movie, but ya know what?  I won't judge your life decisions.  In my last post, I predicted the following characters would/ could possibly die in Infinity War:

Black Widow

Captain America

Gamora

Nebula

Drax

Iron Man

Loki

Vision

So who actually died?

Heimdall - I had completely forgotten to mention Heimdall in my last post, but I actually figured he might die on the ship.  I did predict that Valkyrie would show up in a brief appearance guiding at least some of the Asgardians to safety, but that did not happen.  I still think that Valkyrie and possibly Korg are still alive until proven otherwise

Loki - Yep, I figured this would happen and he died pretty much as I assumed he would.  Rest in peace you beautiful, horrible jerk. 

Gamora - Did not die as I expected her to, and actually in a much more dramatic and emotional way than I expected her to, but I did expect that her ties to Thanos made her a target.  I was genuinely surprised that Nebula did not also die in this film.  

Vision - As I predicted, Vision died when Thanos took his stone, despite Scarlet Witch's attempts to save him.  Will he remain dead is a question for the next movie.  I believe Shuri imaged his brain before he died so that she could resurrect him in some capacity.  If anybody could it is her.  She is the smartest person in the MCU.

That's it.  The other characters who "died" in the film are: Spider-Man, Black Panther, Bucky, Black Panther, Dr. Strange, Scarlet Witch, Star Lord, Groot, Drax, and Mantis (and Maria Hill and Nick Fury in the stinger at the end).  I put "died" in quotation marks because it is pretty clear that Thanos' snap which killed half the universe's population in one swoop is going to be undone.  

A lot of people were very emotional at the end of the movie because of so much loss, but for me... I dunno.  As soon as they killed Spider-Man who is headlining his own sequel in a year I knew that these deaths weren't permanent.  This is a common trope in comics, but didn't work quite so well for me in a movie. It was impactful but not in the way, say, a death like Tony Stark's would have been.  In fact, when Tony got stabbed and nearly died my audience reacted much more strongly then the deaths of everybody all at once at the end, which left many people walking by me on the way out just saying "what the fuck?"  I'm not saying it wasn't necessary to the storytelling or will make the next movie really interesting, but, as an example, Guardians of the Galaxy 2 spent 10 minutes on Yondu's funeral only to have literally all the Guardians except Nebula and Rocket just die in a poof?  That just kind of hurt.  

The rest of the movie was absolutely spectacular.  I LOVED all the pairings of the characters, in particular Thor+Peter and Thor+Rocket.  I loved the Tony/ Strange/ Spider-Man dynamic too.  The movie even made me like Scarlet Witch and Black Widow which I thought would be impossible.  Pairing Natasha with Okoye was a good idea.  The writing was really fantastic and pulled together a lot of different threads very well.  There were 5 different plots/ locations at times and I didn't feel lost or that they were doing too much.  It definitely counted on you remembering certain details from previous movies, particularly Guardians, Thor, and Doctor Strange, but that is to be expected.  What was definitely NOT expected was how little Captain America was in this movie.  Really interesting how somebody like Rocket ended up with more lines in the movie than some of the original Avengers. It was WAY more of a space movie than the trailers let on.  I think that was for the best.  It brought the humor and tone of Ragnarok and Guardians to the rest of the Avengers and everybody benefited.  So many hilarious lines. 

I absolutely can't wait for the next movie and I can only hope that it retains at least some of the humor, though with everybody "dead" I know it probably won't be as much of a laugh riot as this one was.  

Who Dies? My Infinity War Predictions

Hey all!  So Avengers: Infinity War is coming out in just a few weeks and according to the Russos, there are going to be some of our favorite characters who don't make it out of the film alive.  How many?  Who will live and who will die?  Here is an alphabetic breakdown of who's who in the MCU and my predictions on how they will fare against Thanos. Now my guesses are not based on comics, simply based on what I know about the films, the actors, etc. The MCU really is its own beast.  Trying to predict what happens based on the Infinity War comics is pretty pointless as there are SO many narrative differences.

A
Ant Man - Given that Ant Man and Wasp come out this summer it is safe to say that Ant Man lives. Heck, I don't even know if he is in this movie much/ at all. His skill set doesn't really lend itself to intergalactic battles, but he could probably shrink down and scuttle away from any danger imho. 

B
Black Panther - Lives.  I'm gonna go ahead and jump right out and say that Shuri and Okoye live too.  There is no real logical reason why they would live against Thanos, but their movie was so super popular that I seriously doubt Marvel wants to get rid of them.  I think we are going to lose at least a few Wakandans though, maybe even audience favorite M'Baku.  He was a stand out in the Black Panther movie, but his death will raise the stakes.  Listen, Ragnarok killed off all the Warriors Three.  T'Challa has to lose at least one partner.

Black Widow - I strongly suspect Natasha will bite it this movie.  There is literally nothing about her skill set that screams "useful" in this fight.  She had a part to play in Civil War and definitely Winter Soldier but in every other fight she is just been pretty ineffectual.  The only way I can see her living is if she realizes this battle is too big for her and just gets out of dodge (see my entry about Hawkeye below)

Bucky - Lives.  I think Bucky will either take up the mantle of Captain America (see entry below) or will go on to become the White Wolf of Wakanda.  I would personally rather see him in the latter role as his chemistry with Shuri was really strong (not in a romantic way, just in a fun playful way) and I think it would be nice to see them interacting more.

C
Captain America - Sorry Steve, but you and your sexy butt are gonna die.  This has been pretty
heavily telegraphed for a very long time.  Who will take up the shield after he falls is up to debate, but Cap is not long for this world.  It is time to move on to different things.

Captain Marvel - Not a question of whether she dies but if whether she shows up.  I think they have to do some kind of appearance even though Avengers 4 is where she is really going to shine after her solo film.  Possibly just a post credits sequence appearance, though

D
Doctor Strange - Lives.  I think Strange has a lot more to do in the MCU and his magical skill set will keep him pretty safe in this fight.  Wong may die though, unfortunately.

F
Falcon - I think Sam will deffo make it out alive.  Will he become Captain America after Steve dies?  I think yes, though Bucky is a more popular choice.

G
Guardians of the Galaxy - I do think that some of the Guardians might die in this film, though not the entire team since they are going to be making a 3rd Guardians movie.  Rocket and Groot are safe, Groot especially since he just died.  Gamora and Nebula are definitely questionable though, particularly due to their ties to Thanos.  I think Nebula of the two is the most likely to die since her redemption arc is basically completed (see also Loki below).  Mantis is too new a character to die so unceremoniously.  Drax is an iffy for me.  He thinks he is stronger than he is, which lends me to believe he will do something stupid. After all the big emotional beats from Guardians 2 I think Star Lord is pretty safe, though he doesn't have the abilities he had in that film anymore now that Ego's planet is destroyed.

H
Hawkeye - Hawkeye doesn't even get a character poster for this movie.  He isn't in ANY of the marketing of the movie.  Poor Hawkeye can't catch a break.  For me, this is actually good news because it means that I think he is going to live.  In Age of Ultron Hawkeye basically said he was retiring and going to live on his farm up state.  While he came back for Civil War I strongly suspect he might just sit this whole fight out or get out of there when he realizes he is out of his depth. If not he will die pretty quickly, though the indignity of dying without even getting a hero poster is pretty sad.  I really want them to bring on Kate Bishop as Hawkeye and have him as a mentor figure.  This would be a good way to intro Young Avengers.

Hulk - I think it is a safe bet that Hulk makes it out of this movie ok.  He is one of the strongest characters in the MCU.  Less certain is Bruce Banner.  In Ragnarok, Bruce says that if he turns to Hulk another time he worries he won't be able to come back.  Given that Mark Ruffalo's contract is over, I suspect this is what is going to happen.  Hulk will remain in Hulk form and they can bring on somebody new to do the mocap for him.  Maybe at a later date he will go back to Bruce for a while, but it won't be Mark doing it.

I
Iron Man - I thought he was going to die in Civil War, though given his mentorship of Spider-Man I'm glad he didn't.  Still, I feel like he has worn out his usefulness as a character and given the events of the previous films he just doesn't have a place in the new version of the Avengers that will emerge from this film.  Obviously i could be wrong, but I don't want to be.  I'm over Tony.  Plus RDJ is getting on in years.  He can't play Iron Man forever.  Once his bro Mark Ruffalo is gone as Bruce and only Hulk remains, Tony won't have any "grown ups" to talk to either.  I think he's gonna go.

L
Loki - Loki is gonna die.  As with Nebula, Loki's journey from bad to good back to bad and back to good again is pretty much done.  I think he will actually sacrifice himself this time, giving him the heroic ending that he imagined for himself from Dark World (and Matt Damon). Without an Asgard to fight over, I don't know that his character has anything left to do in the MCU.  I also think Tom Hiddleston is done with the character and longing to do something else.

N
Nebula (see Guardians of the Galaxy above)

S
Scarlet Witch - I think she makes it, though her character in the MCU is soooo boring.  Still, I have a strong suspicion that they are going to do things with her and Vision's kids Wiccan and Speed and they need her to live for that to happen. 

Spider-Man - Lives.  Peter Parker has a nice long career ahead of him before they decide to bring in Miles Morales.

T
Thor - This is a SUPER iffy one for me.  The trailers put him in a pretty precarious situation, but I think he is a strong enough character to make it out of this alive.  I am pretty sure Loki will sacrifice himself (and that Tessaract) in order to save him somehow.

V
Valkyrie - Valkyrie doesn't have a character poster for this movie, which lends me to believe that she may only be in it for the briefest of appearances to get some of the Asgardians away somehow.  Hopefully that means Korg will live too, though the trailers make it look like Thanos kills quite a few people on board that ship.

Vision -  His entire self is powered by an Infinity Stone so once that is taken away I don't see how he makes it out alive. But like I mentioned with Scarlet Witch, I think his living and having kids with Scarlet Witch is necessary to create the new generation of superheroes.

W
War Machine - After NEARLY dying in Civil War I think Rhodes is going to make it out of this film alive.  To kill him now would be like an afterthought and I don't think they are going to do that.

So there you have my predictions. I will be checking back in after the movie comes out to see how right or wrong I may be.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi - A Film for 2017

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS OBVIOUSLY

SPOILERS

JUST IN CASE THE PREVIEW STILL SHOWS THIS SPOILERS ALSO

This is not going to be a comprehensive review of Star Wars: The Last Jedi, though I have a lot of thoughts and a lot of emotions about the film.  Rather this post is about a very specific feeling I got walking out of The Last Jedi that made me realize the film was perfect for this specific time and place in a way I have not seen in a major blockbuster since Captain America: The Winter Soldier.  There was no specific moment like in Revenge of the Sith where the current political situation was referenced so specifically (Anakin's "If you're not with me, then you're my enemy" echoing Bush's "You are with us or you are with the terrorists," for example) but its message is one that is decidedly political and timely.  

The history of the Star Wars cinematic universe is one that has asked us to rely on singular hero figures, namely Skywalkers, whose actions determine the course and fate of the universe.  If the prequels are to believed it was Anakin's turn to the dark side that caused the Empire to rise.  If only he had chosen another path things would be different, he could have defeated the Emperor.  If the original trilogy is to believed, it is Luke's destiny to defeat the Empire by destroying the Emperor and redeeming his father.  The fate of the galaxy, then, rests on the shoulders of individuals.  The Force Awakens doesn't shy away from this premise.  We need to find this map so we can find Luke.  We need Luke because without him we fail. Rey is a Jedi and she needs to train with Luke so that she can continue the legacy.  Maybe Rey is his daughter or niece or Obi Wan's daughter who needs to continue the tradition of singular heroes saving the galaxy.  We need to destroy this one thing, this Death Star, this Starkiller Base, so that we can save everyone.  

The Last Jedi is fundamentally different in its premise and ideology.  In many ways it shares more of its DNA with Rogue One, a story about an anonymous band of rebels who sacrifice themselves for the greater good.  Their sacrifice did not destroy the Empire.  They stole the plans for the first Death Star.  That was all.  Their sacrifice didn't magically upend the political order of the galaxy, it was simply one part in an ongoing war against Imperial aggression. Did their sacrifice matter?  Of course it did.  But given its context, the film forced us to see that even one action doesn't solve a greater problem.  In Return of the Jedi Emperor Palpatine dies.  Snoke apparently replaces him. Who is Snoke?  Does it matter? He was the next guy.  He was Pence.  He was the one who came along.  The truth is there will always be another to come along. Snoke dies and Kylo Ren replaces him.  If Kylo Ren died, Hux would take over.  The Empire and the First Order both are not dependent on the mythology of a singular leader.  Theirs is a vision of domination and control and power.  If you look at the indignant expression on Hux's face when Kylo takes control it is clear that were it not for Kylo's Force abilities he would be out of the First Order entirely, and that certainly doesn't mean that the First Order would be gone.  In fact Ben Solo's pathological obsession with both Rey and his family's legacy is often the cause of the First Order's failures.  He is a liability, not a strength.  I'm sure Hux would have been happy if Luke dispatched him on the sands of Crait.  And galactic domination would go on.  The Last Jedi forces us to see that the world, the galaxy, does not care in the long run about the petty disputes of the Skywalker family.  

The sojourn to Canto Bight, which some critics have said is unnecessary, I felt was an important reminder that the galaxy is comprised of a whole host of people who are neither wearing stormtrooper uniforms nor sitting behind the seat of an X-Wing.  The Kochs of the world, the residents of Canto Bight, are just as culpable for the slaughter as the stormtroopers who carry the weapons they provide, and they will continue on as long as the system in place to give them power exists. That system didn't go away when Darth Vader killed his master and it certainly didn't go away when Kylo Ren killed his.  Last Jedi makes us see that there is no singular hero that can fix all that is wrong with the galaxy, all that is wrong with the world.  Belief in a mythical savior, from all sides of the political spectrum, leads individuals to do stupid things.  Salvation will not come from one politician, one general, one soldier, one sword, one assassin.  The galaxy, and our world too, is the way it is because of the choices and actions of many groups of people: people who are true believers, people only out for themselves, people who seek to profit, people who are apathetic, people who are oppressed, people who are oppressors.  Even if one leader is destroyed, there will be others to take his place.

One thing that was so powerful to me in the film was the way in which it makes its main protagonists and antagonists alike confront the notion of heroism and villainy they have always been lead to believe.  Poe, Finn, and Luke all learn that hubris can lead you to make stupid decisions and that sometimes being the hero means doing something other than what you assumed to be true. Kylo Ren learns that even if you save the girl you don't automatically win her affection and even if you follow in the actions and footsteps of the people who came before you, that doesn't make your power assured. It is beautiful that all four of these men learn these lessons from powerful women who have their own agency. In fact if anything is defeated in this film it is the male ego, which is why I think the film has gotten quite a bit of criticism from men.  The women in the film, specifically Rose Tico, Admiral Holdo, General Leia and Rey, go on their own personal and emotional journeys as well.  Rose realizes that the sacrifice she admired in her sister isn't the only way one can be a hero.  Holdo realized the opposite: that sometimes even when you want to be practical and less reckless that self sacrifice is necessary for the better good.  Leia realizes the lesson Luke was trying to teach her all those years ago on Endor, that this power was in her the whole time, that he would never be the only one that was needed to keep the Force in balance.  Finally Rey learned that good and evil are more complicated things than you wish they would be, that it is the choices we make not a destiny, not an ancestry, that makes us who we are.  Rey is not a Skywalker or a Kenobi or anybody but herself: a powerful wielder of the Force, a hero because she decides to be, because she wants to be.  

As President Obama famously said, "We are the change we seek" and The Last Jedi, while not paraphrasing these words exactly, sets up a future of the Star Wars universe where change comes not from "chosen ones" but from individuals, from ordinary people making choices, learning lessons, failing, growing, helping each other.  Real change to the galaxy will not come from Rey or the maybe 20 or so people who survived from the Resistance, it will come from people on all the worlds across the galaxy.  Nobody is coming to save those enslaved children on Canto Bight, nobody is coming to rescue the other people on Jakku or Tattooine who are oppressed.  Nobody is coming.  It all comes down to you, to us, to the people, to rise up and defend their homeland, to take down their oppressors. The Force does not belong to one group of people and the power of the Force does not belong to Jedi alone.  The Force exists and will exist regardless if people are there to use it to float rocks, and you don't need to be able to float rocks to take down systems of oppression.  We are the Resistance, we are the change. 

Curiouser and Furiouser: A Fast and Furious Watch - Part 5: Fast Five

Just to recap: I am watching all the Fast and Furious movies having never seen them before and without any knowledge of what they are about. This is the fifth part of my series, you can view from the beginning Here. On to the review.

What in the heck did I just watch?! I don't mean this in a negative way, not at all, but having just seen 4 previous Fast and Furious movies I can't even say that this is a "Fast and Furious" movie. I mean, obviously it is, obviously this is the direction the new movies are going in, but after just watching 4 movies that basically have the same exact plot this one REALLY came out of left field. Which was refreshing. Watching a completely different movie was definitely refreshing, but man oh man it was SO unexpected especially since I just watched the 4th installment the other day. The characters have completely new and different skill sets, the entire plot was completely different, everything about this movie was new. Justin Lin, who once again directs this installment, really went all out on this film 

Our story begins exactly where the last one left off, with Brian, Mia, and the two guys who helped them before (whose names I still do not know) driving alongside the prison transport truck that is hauling Dom off to a lifelong sentence. Two guesses how that turns out. It ends in a bus rolling over multiple times at high speed with apparently nobody getting any injuries and Dom and co driving off into the sunset. We see news reports of the breakout, featuring several local LA newscasters I recognized, in what I think was the first time the events of the movies made any kind of impact on the in-world national consciousness. Dom, Brian and Mia are now wanted criminals and their names are splashed around on the cover of newspapers etc. Already this changes the shape and scope of the film from something that takes place in a very limited microcosm of street racers, the cops that hunt street racers, and gang members who control the street racing crews, to something that is on the national or international stage. When next we find our favorite anti-heroes, they are in Rio. The sweeping helicopter shots of the city are gorgeous, and it immediately strikes me that this movie must have been FAR more expensive to make than its predecessors.

Guys I'm pretty sure this shot cost more than the first movie

Checking the internet I see that the budget for this film was a whopping 125 million: 40 million more than Tokyo Drift and Fast & Furious and nearly 90 million more than the first movie. Well no wonder it looks better. Even before we get to the actors' salaries, which certainly increased with the addition of more names, the set pieces, the action sequences, etc looks more impressive, more expensive, bigger. The shots of Mia and Brian as they wander the slums of Rio recalled to mind scenes from other big budget films like Mission Impossible. It turns out that that was a fairly apt comparison, even before I realized it.

Mia and Brian wander into a Brazilian slum and are surrounded by gunmen, but it looks like they know who leads them, though who this could be I have no idea until out pops Vince, aka mesh vest bro from the first movie!! Wow I had no idea he was going to turn up again.

Baby!!

Apparently in addition to ditching his early 2000s era mesh vests, Vince has a beard and a family now! Awww. His baby is really cute. Everybody catches up inside of Vince's house but then Mia excuses herself to go throw up. Of course in movies women never have the stomach flu and it is obvious that she is preggers. Go Brian! Go Mia! BABIES!!! Vince tells the two about a job that he knows is coming up. They are uncertain about taking it, but they look like they are in pretty rough shape and could probably use the money.  

Apparently they agree and we see them next aboard a train travelling through the Brazilian desert...er... plains....er... is there a place in Brazil that looks like this because this scene was clearly not shot in Brazil. Anyway, back to business: stealing DEA seized cars from a moving train. Oh so this is a heist movie now? Yes, Fast Five is a straight up heist movie, but a cool one. Vince pulls up in a cool dune buggy thing with his crew and then they carve a hole in the side of the train with a plasma torch deal. While it is moving.

Crazy moving train action nonsense

Damn. The dudes jump into the train and its DOM! who has a little reunion with his sis and Brian. Then one of the other guys gets into one of the cars and somehow the truck pulls it on to the back and lowers it down. Super super complicated shit. But things look kind of weird to Dom, and he suspects something is up with this heist when he overhears two of the guys talking to each other. When it is Mia's turn he tells her to drive the car in the opposite direction of the other guy. His suspicions turn out to be correct and the guys on the crew work for the big drug lord boss guy and everything turns to shit. There are explosions, shooting, crazy, crazy stuff. Dom straight up dives a car off the train and rescues Brian and then the two of them drive the car off of the bridge and jump out to safety. There are some crazy Mission Impossible-esque elements in the action.

 Also Mission Impossible-esque: the next scene finds Dom and Brian hanging by their wrists in some warehouse or something. You know... that scene that happens in literally every single movie about a spy where a guy is chained by his wrists to the ceiling in a dimly lit warehouse and some henchmen beat them up. I think there is a whole page for it on TV tropes. The big cartel boss Reyes is played by Joaquim de Almeida, that one actor who has played a big cartel boss in probably 6 or 7 movies/ TV shows including 24 and Desperado. It just feels right he is the big boss in this movie. At any rate they don't get the info they are looking for and Reyes leaves and Dom and Brian escape, 'natch, because they are like super spies now I guess and not just street racers or street racing police people. The only thing we learn from this scene is that there is something in the car that Mia stole that these drug people want back.

 It is at this point that we are introduced to Hobbs, a federal agent played by The Rock. Hobbs is a fucking hardcore action hero bad ass. Of course he is, he is played by The Rock. But his entrance into this franchise is really pivotal. Up until this point, the people who have been hunting Dom and Brian have been kind of been ineffectual cops or Feds like Captain Dexter's Dad or that chubby black guy that Brian used to work for. One of his very first lines is "Get the fuck out of my way" which I think is the first F bomb in the series, though don't hold me to that. This isn't a guy who plays around, that much is clear. Two DEA agents are dead back on that train and Dom and Brian are the only suspects. He is going to track them down no matter what it takes.

The FF crew are blissfully unaware, just trying to recoup, when Vince decides to sneak into the garage and steal a chip that was inside one of the cars. Dom angrily confronts him about going behind their back to which Vince replies that nobody ever listens to him and Dom always turns things to shit which like, I dunno.. isn't exactly wrong. They part ways not on the best of terms and then Brian uses his hacking? skills to figure out what was on the chip. Oh so they are hackers now. Neat.  It turns out what is on the chip are details about all the drop spots for this drug dealer guy.  This seems like a bad thing to keep on a GPS chip, but as we learned in Fast & Furious we are in the future now and in the future everyone has high end GPS instead of that dumb map Brian had to use in the first movie. Remember when Brian had to use an actual paper map to find a location?  Ah.. memories.

The Rock rolls into the favela to get the FF crew and Vince's helper dudes pull guns on him but he has bigger guns and then the drug dealers come and they start shooting and everybody is running away and... hell, this was a very confusing action sequence.

 Everybody is shooting at everybody else and The Rock like straight up breaks a dudes neck and stabs a guy.  I have been watching this movie for about 35 minutes now and there have been MAYBE 5 minutes of cars.  You'd think we would get more cars in an FF movie, but apparently not anymore.  Anyway, they kind of protect the lady cop who has been helping the Rock and now she starts to have second thoughts about whether the FF crew are really bad or whether they shouldn't be going after these drug dealers instead, but The Rock has a really big hard on for capturing Vin Diesel.  Apparently the FF crew was stealing that gas in Fast & Furious to just give it away for free like some Robin Hood shit, and it doesn't jive with lady cop that they would be killers now, but Rock isn't buying it.  Well that explains why they were stealing gas at any rate. Wonder why they couldn't have mentioned that at SOME point in the 4th movie.

Anyway, back to our heroes.  After escaping, Brian and Mia reveal that they are expecting and Uncle Dom is all excited.

God I love this man

 Brian is worried that he will be a shitty dad like his was, but Dom assures him he will be a good dad.  Lots of cute dad feels. They then decide they should just use the chip they got from the car for one last job: use the GPS coordinates to find Reyes' money spots and steal all his money.  This is a big job, though and they are going to need a team.  SO THEY RECRUIT EVERYBODY!!! Han! Roman! Ludacris! Gisele!  Those dudes from before! Yay!  The very first thing that Han does on screen is eat some chips and I am so freaking pumped.  Who will eat more, I wonder: Roman or Han?  These are the questions that deserve answers.  Unfortunately, Roman and Dom don't really like each other and kind of get off on the wrong foot.  He's ready to bail until they find out that the score is 100 million and his share would be 11 million dollars.  "11 million sounds like a whole lot of vaginal activity to me," Roman says unironically.  Vaginal activity.  I can't even with this guy.

On to the plan.  Step one: they go into one of the drug dealer's places wearing masks and carrying guns.  Step two: they light all the money on fire.  Step three: profit... ?  Then they take their masks off revealing who they are for some reason.  Why?!  I don't understand this plan at all until I see that Reyes is super pissed and decides to move all his money and the crew plan to take it when it is on the move.

Um... what now? 

 Ah ok, I get it now.  This is why they need street racers: to go after the cars.  But then instead of going after the cars, they.. don't?  Roman spots the cars on the road transporting the money and is literally eating a sandwich and has to swallow before he reports this very important information.  God love Tyrese his constant eating.  Anyway the money is now being brought to a police station.  Dom says this changes nothing.  Um.. I think it changes at least something, right?  I thought you got this crew together for street racing purposes.  "This went from mission impossible to mission insanity," says Roman.  Tyrese really gets all the best/ dumbest lines in this movie, but he isn't wrong.  Hobbs meanwhile is following all of these developments because apparently he has some kind of magical computers that can run facial recognition on people wearing masks.  Though he doesn't know what is really happening.   Neither do I, to be honest.

Roman gets sent into the building in disguise as a special agent and distracts the dude in the evidence locker with his non stop talking trying to get in to see the safe that the guy doesn't notice that he has just accepted a random box from a stranger.  The random box opens up inside the safe and out pops a cute little robot that Ludacris made because he makes robots apparently.  Ludacris also apparently knows

lol

about safes.  "I had a life before you knew me," he says, hand waving away any questions about how he went from owner of a body shop/ street racing crew organizer to master safe cracker, but whatever.  He did do that cool thing in 2 Fast where he made the bridge go up and down so it is clear he has always had a lot of technological know how.  Whatever, he is the "tech" guy now.  They are all sitting around the plans and Roman is eating graham crackers.  At this point I think Tyrese is eating more than Han.  Then the crew put a bomb in the bathroom of the police station, which explodes while the poor evidence locker guy is taking a shit, and the two dudes from before go in as the cleaning crew to hook into the security cameras which is also a thing they apparently know how to do.

"Let's go get some cars," Brian says, finally.  Yay!  Here we go, at a booty shaking street-racing dance party.  Finally things are familiar to me.  "Home sweet home," says Dom.  Oh no but they are recognized since they are international criminals who also robbed the biggest drug lord in town.  The street racing crew leader says its okay to race, though.  What a nice guy.  They get to race for the new cars they need.  I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for an actual street race when... nope, they just cut to them already having the cars.  In a Fast and Furious movie they literally just cut the actual race.  I am just... what is this movie?  They do get to test the cars out though, so there is SOME driving at least.  They are trying to find a car that can drive faster than the security cameras.  Gisele does the best, and Han is watching her with interest.  "I think I'm in love," Han says.  Ugh.  Whatever.  Why did they take away all the gay vibes Han was putting off.

 Also, about Han... they still have yet to explain how he escaped from that fiery crash in Japan.  I

mm chips

guess we will get to that eventually?  I don't know.  Anyway now it is Han's turn.  Han is eating at the bar (Eating score: Han 2, Roman 2) and Gisele intuits that Han recently quit smoking which is why he is always doing something with his hands.  She says it was the same for her when she got out of the Army.  BACKSTORY!  Han is hard core falling in love as Gisele goes up to Roman and flirts with him enough for him to grab her ass.  Then they somehow pull the hand print off of her swimsuit so they can get into the safe.  This whole thing is so very very Mission Impossible.

Eventually they decide that trying to out drive the cameras is sort of stupid so they just steal themselves some cop cars which makes much more sense.  FINALLY we get a proper street race with Han, Dom, Brian and Roman racing in police cars, which makes them very happy.  Roman is too busy playing with the lights and stuff and Han is probably distracted thinking of Gisele or something so the race comes down to Dom and Brian, and Dom lets Brian win, though Brian isn't aware that he did.  Han and Roman notice, though, and think it is hilarious. The next day, Mia is shopping in the market and Vince runs into her and pulls her away just before the bad guys spot her.  Apparently there was a tracker on her.  She brings Vince back to the crew and he asks Dom if he can join the heist and Dom says they are family etc and I am 100% predicting Vince is going to turn out to be some Bro-dus Iscariot.

Look at Rambo over here

 Mia reveals her pregnancy to the rest of the gang, which explains why she wasn't drinking etc and they laugh and it is all very heartwarming and is of course immediately interrupted by the police.  Dom and Hobbs fight and Dom eventually gets the upper hand but decides not to actually just kill Hobbs with a wrench and they are all arrested.  Unfortunately, Reyes' crew ambushes the armored car and a gun battle follows.  Grenades are exploding all over the place, guns firing, legit action movie territory.  Dom rescues Hobbs and pulls him to the safety of the armored car.  They kill SO many people, Jesus Christ.  This is bar none the most violent scene in all 5 movies so far.  They retreat to relative safety, but Vince isn't going to make it.  He tells Dom to look after his son, also named Dominic (aww feels), right before he dies.  I was totally wrong on him being a traitor.  Sorry I ever doubted you, Vince.

Dom wants to continue on and everybody is a little wary until Hobbs says he is in because he wants to kill the son of a bitch who killed his men.  Ah yes, the old ancient proverb: The bronemy of my bronemy is my bro.  Apparently the idea that Hobbs, a US Federal Agent, could just rob a Brazilian police station, as corrupt as it is, without creating an international incident is just fine by everybody.  They break through the wall and basically just attach the safe via two wires attached to two of the police cars, driven by Dom and Brian, who drive away.  So they are driving down the street with this safe dragging behind them, taking out trees, taking out other cars, just wanton destruction of property. This entire scene is insanity.

I just... what? 

 I have no fucking clue how they think they can evade police with a several ton safe just dragging behind them.  The rest of the crew is kind of running interference on the police/ drug dealers or something, ramming cars left and right.  Dom and Brian realize their plan of driving a gigantic safe around is probably not the best idea and they aren't going to get out of this.  Dom reminds Brian that he is going to be a father now and cuts him loose, using nitrous in his car to pull the weight of the safe behind his own car alone so Brian can get to safety.  They do this under a little overpass deal.  Dudes in roof mounted machine guns are firing at Dom and then his car flips dramatically and crashes into Reyes' car.  Hobbs rolls in and shoots Reyes and then tells Dom that he can't just let him go, but he will give him 24 hours to get out of down.  Of course Hobbs is going to take the safe so I think that all of this was for nothing until the lady cop opens the door and it is empty.  Dun DUN DUUUUNNN.


Yes, apparently the safes were swapped during that 30 seconds under the overpass and later, when they are all together again, Ludacris opens the safe and like Scrooge McDuck fucking piles of money pour out.  Dom leaves some for Vince's wife and kid and the group go their separate ways.  The two idiot driver guys (WHOSE NAMES I STILL DO NOT KNOW) lose all their money in Monaco like a couple of dinguses.  Ludacris uses the money to get a nice little shop for himself to live a quieter life and then Tyrese rolls up to visit him in this hot car with a hot babe inside.  Apparently he got it from a sheikh in Abu Dabi and it is the only one in the Western Hemisphere.. or IS it, because Ludacris apparently has the exact same ridiculous car.  Lol.  Meanwhile Han makes out with Gisele while driving, which doesn't seem very safe.  "I thought you wanted to go to Tokyo," Gisele asks.  "We'll get there eventually," Han replies.  Wait... is this movie still supposed to take place BEFORE Tokyo Drift? I mean I was under the impression that he like faked his death and somehow made it to Rio or

Lookin' good Billy Ray!

something, but now they are saying this is all a prequel?!  How can this movie take place before Tokyo Drift when Han is obviously older?  Or are they saying he is going to go BACK to Tokyo? Is Han a time traveler? I DON'T UNDERSTAND! Brian and Mia are on a beach together and Dom shows up with lady cop who is his girlfriend I guess and this whole thing reminds me of the end of Trading Places. Everybody is so happy.  Awww.  Brian asks for one final race to settle it once and for all (sure, they will NEVER race again) and... credits.  But wait!  There is a mid credits scene!  Is it Nick Fury asking them to join the Avengers?!  No.. it is Hobbs with Eva Mendes! who tells him that there was a robbery in Berlin.  "Was it Toretto?" Hobbs asks (man he REALLY doesn't like Dom).  No, it turns out the person in the robbery is... Letty!?! WHAAAAAAAAT!


Stray Thoughts:

- Letty?????? I am really struggling to figure out her motivations for faking her own death other than... cuz.

- Ok but really is Han a time traveler???

- So I still haven't seen Batman v Superman and I didn't know who Gal Gadot was when I saw Fast & Furious.  Now that I know Gisele is Wonder Woman I am like... meh?  I dunno. Her character was super boring in the 4th movie and in this movie she was nothing but eye candy and also like this plot device to prove that Han was straight or something.

- I am glad that a lot of the characters got some more depth but this movie makes it SO obvious that this series wasn't planned up until this point. Now that the movies ARE more clearly connected to each other, maybe narratively they will make a little more sense.  HAHAHA who am I kidding?  I don't like these movies for rational reasons.

- Ok so Ludacris' song during the end credits "Furiously Dangerous" was SO painfully bad.  You can do better than this, Ludacris.

- It seems so strange that just 2 months ago I had never seen a Fast and Furious movie and now I have seen 5.  Moving on to Fast and Furious 6 next week.  I hope it will be just as batshit insane as this one.

Curiouser and Furiouser: A Fast and Furious Watch - Part 4: Fast & Furious

Here we are at the 4th part of my Fast and the Furious watch. If you are just joining us, I have never seen any of the movies in this series before and am going into them as blind as I can. On to the review of Fast & Furious, a movie that requires an ampersand so as to distinguish it from the first film in the franchise because for some reason Fast and 4rious was not an option.

Ugh.  Ugh is pretty much all I have to say about this movie.  After watching the previous two, I am convinced that what I need from Fast and Furious movies to keep me engaged is humor.  This movie is almost entirely devoid of it.  That, more than anything else, is its biggest problem. Another problem with this movie is that it essentially combines the plot of the first two Fast and Furious movies, making it feel bland and tired.  

The story begins with Dom and his gang trying to pull off another heist of a truck, just as they did in the first movie. This time instead of hilariously outdated TV/ VCR combos it looks like they are trying to steal fuel? I don’t even understand why they are doing this or how they will sell the fuel or transport it or what.

Iguana driver: the real hero

This seems even more convoluted than TV/VCRs.  Whatever, it is an excuse for a high speed chase with street racing cars going after a truck and explosions and things.  Only two things make this whole scene worth watching.  The first is that the driver of the truck has a pet iguana who sits in the passenger seat and whom the driver feeds bars of chocolate (aka the only funny part in this movie), and the second is that one of the drivers in Dom’s crew is MOTHERFUCKING HAN!!  Anyway there is some problem stealing the fuel tanks and Letty has to dramatically jump from the back onto Dom’s car and then the truck explodes and they basically have to time the roll and drive underneath the fiery rolling truck which sounds cool but was

Come back!!! 

just… whatever.  The problem with scenes like these is that there is no dramatic tension when you know that this is the opening of the film and all the good guys are going to make it out.  Plus there was not NEARLY enough Han. Everybody goes back to Dom’s place and has a big butt jiggling dance party.  Woot.  I was so excited to see Han alive that I almost gave this movie the benefit of the doubt, until it was revealed that this heist took place before the events of Tokyo Drift and Han left after the first ten minutes.  Whomp whomp.

It really is a shame that Han left for Tokyo because his energy, or the energy of Tyrese or Ludacris or any of the other characters from the previous two films, would have definitely helped the film move along.  Instead the movie basically only has three characters: Dom, Brian, and Mia, and Dom/ Brian’s chemistry (or lack thereof) is not enough to carry a film.  Anyway, back to the movie. After the events of the opening heist, Dom leaves Letty and the rest of his crew behind.  He is a wanted man, wanted for a lot of big crimes, and he is worried about their safety.  He goes to Panama where he is happily fixing cars/ living a quieter life until he gets a call from Mia informing him that Letty was murdered.  Cut over to Brian in LA who has been reinstated and is now an FBI agent.  I guess they didn’t care about all those illegal shenanigans and let bygones be bygones.  He is chasing down some dude to get a lead on a big drug dealer named Braga.  The only thing he got was a name: David Park.  

Rollin' up to the funeral in style

Letty’s funeral is a somber affair and Brian, though he knew Letty, stands off to the side since he wasn’t exactly invited.  Dom has also returned to LA and views Letty’s funeral from a distance.  The police are all around the cemetery: they know Dom would come back from his ex-girlfriend and they are waiting to catch him.  Dom shows up at Mia’s and she is simultaneously happy to see him after such a long time (5 years presumably) but also worried since the police are watching the house.  Dom tells her not to worry, but he has to find the man who killed Letty.  Something tells me this is connected to that Brian plot from before.  Anyway it looks like Mia has salvaged part of Dom/ Dom’s dad’s old Dodge Charger that got wrecked up in the first film, and had been fixing it up along with Letty.  I don’t think that will have any impact on the rest of the story whatsoever.  Mia takes Dom to the site of Letty’s murder and Dom, using some magical Sherlockian power of crime scene investigation that we heretofore were unaware he possessed, discovers that based on the burn pattern and the tire marks the car that crashed into Letty's had a nitro methane injection and only one guy in town does that.  Yes because the same guy is the only guy who did things 5 years ago while you were in Panama and you can tell that from the burn marks. Whatever.  Angry Vin Diesel Sherlock is angry.  

Whatever, dude

The cops pull Mia in to ask her questions about Dom and Brian pulls her out of the interrogation room and brings her to lunch.  But she isn’t having any of his nicey-nicey bullshit.  “After 5 years now you care about me?” she exclaims.  I totally don’t blame her here.  Brian seemed to have feelings for Mia in the first movie, but after leaving LA behind in the second movie and since returning to LA as a fed why would he think she would give two shits about him.  Go Mia.  You smack talk that dude.  Still, Brian is worried for Dom because he cares about him.  Mia asks him whether he is a good guy pretending to be bad or a bad guy pretending to be good and Brian isn’t sure.  What is sure is that he wished Dom would have just stayed safe outside the country so he could catch Letty’s killer on his own.  

Dom shows up at the guy’s garage and starts intimidating him and gets the info:  David Park bought those parts for a green Ford Gran Torino.  Oh ho! Now we are getting somewhere.  Brian discovers the info about David Park’s whereabouts at around the same time and he shows up at Park’s apartment to see Dom beating the guy up and holding him out the window.  Uh oh. The guy doesn’t have much info to give Dom anyway, only that he can get Dom in the race, whatever plot devicey race he is referring to.  Brian hauls Park into the station and discovers that Braga the drug kingpin who is worse than Pablo Escobar according to the head honchos (the metric of all drug dealing badasses) is holding a street race to find new drivers.

Dom channeling his inner Batman

 So basically we are back to the plot of 2 Fast 2 Furious where Brian has to get a fancy street race car from the cops so he can race in a drug lord’s street race so he can get on his crew.  Like I get this movie is kind of a reboot, but redoing the exact same plot point?  Sigh…  

Dom shows up at the illegal race too because of course he does they both want to get on the guy’s crew to find Letty’s killer/ take down the drug lord.  One of the other racers asks who is closing the street to which Campos, Braga’s supposed number 2, tells him that nobody is.  The fact that the streets are busy definitely heightens the tension a little bit.  Also the racers don’t know where they are going, they just have to follow this magical GPS device that Campos gives them.  The device not only gives directions, but tracks the other cars in the race so basically this is a straight up video game now.  Like there is even a digital girl that throws the flag and the cars move along on the screen all Tron-like and the movie isn’t even pretending it is anything more than a video game/ Universal Studios ride at this point.

Coming to an arcade near you

 Brian takes an alternate route and goes off a cliff while Dom is dealing with some of the other racers and blah blah blah we all know this is going to come down to Dom and Brian duking it out.  Dom pulls basically a pit maneuver and spins Brian’s car around and wins the race. Brian, who needs to be on the crew for plot purposes, conveniently plants drugs at the house of one of the other crew members and takes his place.  Because federal agents planting narcotics on a suspect is a-ok when it is Paul Walker who does it.  

This chick was so boring

Whatever, they all go to Campos’ headquarters for a booty shaking party where girls make out and other fun stuff happens.  Brian sneaks around and discovers Campos talking to an older man he presumes to be Braga.  He manages to swipe his glass so they can run prints on it.  Dom is sneaking around too and finds in the garage the Gran Torino driven by Letty’s killer.  Gisele, one of Campos’ assistants, informs Dom that the car belongs to Fenix so now he’s got the name of the dude who killed his gal and he is out for blood.  Gisele is trying to flirt pretty hard, but Dom is 100% not having any of it either because he is still pining over Letty, still pining over Brian, or just isn’t into her.  Whatever this gal was boooring.

Anyway, they all meet up at a warehouse for the next job and the henchmen start sweeping cars for bugs, which of course Brian’s car has so he furiously tries to unplug it.  Why didn’t they think this might be a problem before?  Like this is wearing a wire 101.  Brian is the worst cop ever.  Thankfully they didn’t find anything on his car and everyone is loaded into a big truck inside their cars and then taken over the border to Mexico.  This whole thing was super super confusing.  So they took these drivers out to the middle of nowhere in mexico so that they could take drugs back in?

Look out for bonus coins during the
underground level!

 They wanted them to race through the desert fast to avoid the heat scanners from the border patrol but I am so confused why they would need to do this at all.  It makes no sense.  They are following Gisele’s instruction through the magical video game GPS and then follow Fenix in this zig zag pattern and then drive into these underground tunnels that exist for no purpose except that it is like the underground level of a video game now. I also think maybe somebody saw those tight races in the parking garages in Tokyo Drift and realized they needed some confined spaces for drama. But it literally made no sense whatsoever.  

Bro buddies again

They all get out and make it to the drop off point and then Fenix etc plan to kill them?  Why?  I don’t get it.  None of this whole sequence made the slightest lick of sense.  Anyway, thankfully Dom wanted to kill Fenix so badly that he rigged the nitrous in his car to explode and then all the cars blow up and Dom and Brian, who are friends again, drive the drugs away in a Hummer or whatever.  Except Fenix didn’t die.  Oh well.  I don’t know why these drug dealers needed this street racing crew when they had underground tunnels, I don’t know why they wanted to kill them in the first place when they didn’t know they were working for the police, and I don’t know why Brian thought it was a good idea to take the drugs and hide them in the impound lot while Dom kindly stole him a new car.  Brian is kind of the worst cop on the planet.  His bosses at the FBI are naturally pissed when they see him on camera with Dom because of course they did.  

Anyway it is a good thing Brian is the worst cop on the planet because that means that Dom trusts him again and they all go back home for dinner and fun banter.  That is of course until Dom, who had been going through Letty’s old things that were in evidence, finds her phone and calls the last number because it still miraculously has batteries, and Brian’s phone rings.  Yep, Letty had been working as a CI for Brian and it was under these circumstances that she was killed by Braga’s men.  Dom is pissed and beats the shit out of Brian, even though he tries to explain that Letty was the one who came to him with the idea because other people were being killed by this asshole.  Vin Diesel spends most of this movie very angry.  

Brian goes to his bosses (who are still pissed off) and tells them he will give them the heroin he stole from Campos IF after he bags Braga they let Dom off the hook for his crimes.  Brian, do you even understand how the police work?  They plan this very elaborate set up for Braga, whom they assume is that old guy Brian saw before, but while they are just about to shoot up the deal, one of the other officers discovers that Campos was Braga all along.  Whomp whomp.

Fooled you 

 Dom saves the Gisele chick while everybody is under fire and Brian and Dom escape just by the skin of their teeth.  Braga unfortunately as escaped to Mexico which is out of their jurisdiction.  The bosses are pissed at Brian so they pull him off active duty, except also sort of imply that since he isn’t active duty it would be totally ok if he went all vigilante in Mexico, which of course is exactly what he and Dom do.  Dom and Brian meet up with Gisele, who is grateful that Dom saved her and also totally still flirting with him even though he doesn’t show the slightest bit of interest in her, and she lets them know where Braga is hiding.  

Braga/ Campos is inside a church and pays off a priest to hang out there.  Then Dom and Brian easily walk in and get him at gunpoint.  Now yes, there is a chase/ gunfight that follows, but I was really surprised that Braga didn’t have any guards around him at all.  Whatever.  So Braga is pretty sure that Dom is going to kill him but Dom has decided that the braver thing to do would be to actually bring him into the police instead, though he is totally gonna kill Fenix for killing Letty because of course he is.  They grab Braga and throw him in a car and then they are off to cross the border.  Fenix and some of the other henchpeople are right behind them, firing at the car until Fenix yells at them that they

It is going to be hard getting of out this one.
You will though.  Of course you will. 

could hit the boss instead.  Braga rightfully points out that Brian really has no idea where he is going without GPS, though Brian somehow miraculously finds his way to the secret underground tunnel for another underground tunnel race because of course he could remember where that was located in the middle of nowhere in the desert without any GPS or anything.  They take out a few of the guys chasing but Dom is having a hard time with Fenix.  Brian, with Braga in his car, tears through the other side of the wall, but it was really hard on the car and Brian is in pretty bad shape.  Fenix is right behind him and is just about to shoot Brian when who should come but Dom who plows his car right into Fenix, pinning him against Brian’s car, killing him fairly quickly.  Hurray they stopped the bad guys.  Unfortunately, the police are on their way and that can only mean bad things for Dom who actually doesn’t have carte blanche to murder people.  Brian is hurt though, a bullet wound to the shoulder, and Dom, instead of just leaving him to escape, stays with him and decides to face the consequences of his actions.

In a boring courtroom scene the judge, probably the only person with any sense at all, decides not to just forgive Dom for murdering people, stealing a bunch of property, destroying cars etc, even though he helped out this one time and sentences him to 25 years to life without the possibility of parole.  Brian is surprised because he somehow thinks the system works?  The same system he used to plant drugs on a guy so he could get into an illegal street race?

Ooh a cliffhanger ending.
Whatever will happen?!

 The same system that took his badge after he let Dom go in the first movie?  Brian is just too dumb for words.  Thankfully, he teams up with Mia and the rando other drivers from the beginning of the movie to pull of the greatest heist of all: stealing Dom from the prison transport truck, which they most likely do sometime in between the credit sequence of this movie and the next.

So there ya go.  This movie was a pretty big disappointment.  I have to say the only thing good to come out of it is that it seems that Brian is well and truly on the side of criminals now and cannot hope to get back to working for the police/ FBI.  If somehow in Fast 5 he is still working for the police I don’t even know… Otherwise, the movie was just a big rehash of everything we saw before, with a few more video game-ish looking sequences tossed in for more measure.  It was missing a lot of the joy and silliness of 2 Fast, or the interesting cultural aspects/ fish out of water elements and Han-tasticness of Tokyo Drift.  One of the other problems was that Dom and Letty’s relationship never felt that strong in the first place and so the aspect of this film as revenge story just didn’t feel genuine.  Hell, I felt more emotion between Keanu Reeves and his dog in 5 minutes of John Wick than I did between Dom and Letty.  I just didn’t care.  I don’t know if this was the fault of the writers, the acting of Vin Diesel or Michelle Rodriguez or what, but it just didn’t work.  If, for example, Fenix had killed Mia instead I think then I would have appreciated the anger and revenge story a little more. I’m not even going to go into the idea of fridging a female character to motivate a male lead, as such misogyny is sort of par for the course in these kinds of films.  But if they ARE going to fridge a female character they should at least make it worthwhile.

I’m excited by the prospect of Fast 5 only insomuch as it seems like they are bringing all the good parts of the previous movies back.  The advertising for 5, 6 and 7 definitely feel more Expendables except with street racing which is what I am really looking forward to after seeing the same movie on repeat.  

Wheeeee

Stray Thoughts:

- Man oh man we needed some levity in this movie.  These films just do NOT work as straight dramas without some gags like giant sumo wrestlers or Tyrese eating everyone’s food

- The video game-ishness of this film is something I keep coming back to again and again.  I have actually seen the Fast and Furious arcade game and I was surprised how much the game looks like the movie or vice versa.

- I really hope that iguana from the beginning is okay. The driver was so brave to rescue him from that fiery crash.

Curiouser and Furiouser: A Fast and Furious Watch - Part 2: 2 Fast 2 Furious

Here we are at our second part of my 7+ part Fast and Furious watch.  Just to recap:  I have never seen any of the Fast and Furious movies before and I have actively attempted to avoid spoilers/ plot details of these films.

Well I have to say, just off the bat, that I enjoyed this movie FAR more than the first installment.  The writing was much tighter, the characters had more motivation, and there was actual humor which really helped elevate the movie considerably.  The biggest standout was Tyrese Gibson, who brought a lot of great energy and vitality to the film.  It was not a “good” movie, per se, but rather it felt like an overlong episode of Burn Notice which isn’t a terrible thing as far as movies go.  

Car go vroom vroom 

Our story begins with a street race in Miami.  Already this is a good thing.  The first movie started off with the random heist that wasn’t explained for over a half an hour if you recall, so starting off with just regular run of the mill street racers already draws you into the story a little more.  First thing I noticed was a character putting up signs that said “Road Closed.”  Just this little detail now explains why there are no other people around on the streets, which was one of my biggest complaints of the first movie.  Another thing I noticed was that while the first movie focused heavily on the engines of the cars, their horsepower, etc, in this film the car gimmicks were what were highlighted most significantly: huge stereo systems, crazy lights, smoke, lasers, hydraulics.  These were all elements that the first film didn’t focus on in the slightest.  I am curious whether the developments in car culture changed between 2000-2003, whether the writers simply decided these elements were what would draw in viewers, or whether they simply had more money for cars.  The cars themselves “looked” better, the shots during the street race were more dynamic.  Looking it up online, the first movie had a budget of only $38 million, while 2 Fast 2 Furious had a budget of $76 million.  It is also directed by renowned filmmaker John Singleton.  The increase in budget and the name director really show, even in the first few scenes of the film.  This actually feels like a real movie and not something that somebody cobbled together.  

How cute is this?? 

The street race is organized by Ludacris.  I know his character must have had a name in the movie, but let’s just call him Ludacris.  Apparently one of the racers backed out, so he puts into a call to a “guy” he knows to finish out the race.  The guy is Paul Walker as Brian who apparently WAS affected by the events of the first film as he is off the police force and racing for money now.  In the race are a couple of assholes and Suki, a cute Japanese girl with a hot pink car who has an all girl crew and is my favorite. The race begins and there are quick cuts to close ups of racers eyes, hands as they change gears, fronts of cars.  The CGI/ green screening is at times laughably bad, but at least Singleton knows how to keep viewers engaged with dynamic shots and well structured scenes.  The race is a bit more gimmicky than any in the previous movie, and somehow Ludacris’ character manages to raise a bridge for the cars to jump off of?  The cars are going preposterously fast: upwards of 160mph on city streets, and are filmed as if they were star ships travelling in outer space, with the world warping along outside their windows.  In fact, every time cars go this fast in the movie, I call it

Paul Walker did not, in fact, go plaid

“Ludacris speed” which is a completely stupid Spaceballs pun that I found myself using at least 5 times in the course of watching.   Paul Walker jumps off the bridge like freaking Dukes of Hazzard and then lands unscathed, winning the race as viewers most certainly were aware he was going to do.  Later in the film, as Paul Walker and Tyrese jump off of a ramp onto a moving boat, they actually do make a Dukes reference.  This is a movie that kind of knows what it is, which is more than I can say for the first film.  

As soon as he steps out of his car, Brian locks eyes with Eva Mendes, who was again playing a character whose name I did not pick up on in the 104 minutes of the film and so I will call her Eva Mendes.  Then the police arrive, far faster than they ever did in the first movie.  These Miami police are WAY more competent than LAPD and have some kind of magical EMP grappling hooks that shut down cars.  Paul Walker is dragged into the police station and then the FBI dude from the first movie and the guy who played Dexter’s dad sit him down for a chat.  Since Dexter takes place in Miami, and Harry Morgan was in fact an officer in the Miami police department, I spent much of the film speculating whether the characters were the same.  Let’s just say they are.  Anyway Dexter’s dad and FBI dude tell Paul Walker that if they work for them as a CI doing (something?) they will let him off for all his street racing shenanigans.  Paul Walker takes the deal but insists that if he is going to have a partner, it won’t be Officer Dipshit they are trying to pair him with but a guy he knows back in Barstow.

Cut to a place that looks only vaguely like Barstow and Tyrese Gibson”s character Roman in one of those races where cars like smash each other that I think has a name but whatever.  The fact that

OOMPH

Tyrese Gibson's character is from Barstow, California I think was probably one of the most preposterous things about the movie. Barstow is a piece of shit and Tyrese would not be caught dead there, but I digress.  Anyway Roman is recently out of prison and pissed at Paul Walker because he was a cop even though, as we learn later in the film, Paul Walker was not actually responsible for putting Roman in jail.  He punches Brian in the face almost immediately after seeing him, continuing the well-honored tradition of people punching Paul Walker in the face.  

They bring Roman in to talk to him about the plan which is to infiltrate this gang of drug dealers.  The

Barf! This car his hideous

FBI has an unlimited budget for street racing cars and they get two for Brian and Roman, though they look sort of shitty and I think the characters kind of think they look shitty too because they complain about them a lot.  Then they go and infiltrate the drug dealers or whatever.  Oh and Eva Mendes is also a cop and she’s like the drug dealers girlfriend undercover or something.  And she wears a very professional shirt that is held together with shoelaces.  The head drug dealer is played by an actor I don’t know and whose name I also don’t know so I called him Douchy Doucherton.  

There are a bunch of street racers there and they have to go and get something out of his car in an impound lot as a test to see who is the best driver for reasons that are not readily made clear.  Except no that wasn’t really true because Douchy owned the impound lot and it was just a test.  What I found most fascinating was that while Brian had apparently been living in Miami for some time, Roman just arrived there and yet he seems to know his way around the city enough to get to the impound lot without getting lost.  He would be a really great Uber driver.  I digress.  Anyway, the FBI see Brian and Roman racing away on this task and instead of thinking they are doing their jobs, Dexter’s dad thinks they are running away in their cars for some reason and then goes to the impound lot almost breaking their cover.  Dexter’s dad is a terrible cop.   Roman shoots at him to get him to go away and it works because they get the packet out of the car. When they make it back to check in with the cops, Roman eats Harry Morgan's burrito which was the most hilarious thing on the planet. Apparently he likes burritos as much as Paul Walker loved sandwiches in the first movie. When they go back to the drug dealer’s house, Roman once again asks for more food, even surrounded by dangerous drug dealers. Roman is like constantly eating in this movie.  I love him.   

Douchy invites them to this exclusive night club where they go and Douchy starts torturing this dude which was super graphic and not what I expected from a light little action flick.  Gross.  The douche boss is also a total misogynist even in a movie that features scantily clad ladies bending over cars. He’s pissed at Eva Mendes for flirting with Paul Walker I guess.  Ugh, what a dickbag. Anyway before that like as soon as Roman walks in, he says he has to piss and at this point I am wondering if Tyrese even

Oh right he also sets this car on fire.
Tyrese does a lot this film

knows that he is in a movie.  Apparently.  He is just so damn blunt and I love it.  What is actually really fantastic about Tyrese’s character is that his behavior totally makes sense in the context of someone who was recently released from prison and was lacking in the niceties of social graces for 5 years.  There is even a scene later on in the film where Brian asks him why he is always eating and he talks about how food was so horrible in prison and he never knows when he will be back so he tries to take advantage of every piece of food in front of him.  It was such a moving and deeply heartfelt expression in a movie about dumb cars going fast.  What I really appreciated in this film was the way that characters were given real motivations like his, that we really understood what was happening and why a lot of the time.  It seems like a simple thing, but the bond between Vin Diesel and Paul Walker just felt so artificial compared to the natural rapport between Walker and Tyrese.  Also I never quite understood why Vin Diesel was doing these huge thefts.  It seems like he could make decent money just street racing/ fixing up cars/ a little petty theft as Ludacris does.  Something about these little details just helps.  

However, what DOESN’T make sense is Brian and Roman’s relationship with Ludacris’ character.  At one point they ask him and his friends for help to remove the tracking devices in their cars, and then they ask him and his friends for help pulling off this elaborate scheme to switch cars so they can steal the money from the drug dealers and run away from the cops simultaneously and rig up some ejector seats and stuff.  I understand why they need Ludacris’ help.  What I don’t understand is why Ludacris and his crew would be helping them when he could both get in trouble from the drug dealers AND the police.  I guess he and Brian and friends, but their friendship wasn’t as strongly established enough for me to believe that he would go to bat for him like that.  Does Ludacris know that Brian is/ was a cop?  It feels like there was a scene missing.  They seemed more like casual street race buddies and not collaborators.  

WHAT??

You know I compared this movie to Burn Notice in my very first paragraph and I really think the comparison is apt.  The end of the film felt exactly like the end of a crazy Burn Notice episode too, with the car jumping off and landing on a boat and all kinds of crazy shenanigans.  This flick was fun.  I actually enjoyed it quite a bit.  Significantly, there was a lot of humor and that bumped the enjoyment factor considerably.  Also helping was the fact that Tyrese and Paul Walker had a lot of chemistry, and that the plot moved a lot more rapidly.  We weren’t waiting around forever for things to actually start moving, and the writers/ director just had a better handle on the story.  However, thinking of Burn Notice again, I am just struck how much this movie and its predecessor would have worked better as a TV show where relationships could be established more gradually.  In fact, if Fast and Furious was a USA show I am sure I probably would have seen it by now.  I’ve heard that the 3rd film, Tokyo Drift, is a real dud.  Not really looking forward to that, though hopefully it will at least be laughably bad.  If the other F/F movies 4-7 are as good or better than #2 I am actually kind of excited to see what happens next.  Just based off the first I wasn’t really feeling it, but now that I have a better idea of what these stories could be, I am looking forward to the ride.

Stray Thoughts:

• Suki’s car has like a little anime character helper that appears?  Super cute but like what?  
• LUDACRIS SPEEEED
• Totally forgot to mention that Paul Walker lives on a house boat.  I don’t know how I could have neglected to mention this.  
• This movie felt like a video game at times, which was totally ok
• There have been a TON of TV shows/ movies set in the Miami area, Miami Vice first and foremost.  Burn Notice to me is the film’s most obvious parallel because the characters are not quite in the government/ working for the government except when they are and they have a bunch of shady friends, but the setting has lent itself to a lot of great action/ drug dealer/ cop/ car chase type things.  Burn Notice actually premiered 5 years after this movie, so maybe THEY were inspired by IT!  
•  Speaking of Miami.  YEEEEAAAAAAHHHH