Curiouser and Furiouser: A Fast and Furious Watch - Part 0: Prologue

"Let's Get Furious"
Which is something I am assuming Vin Diesel says

I don’t really like horror movies.  I don’t HATE them, mind, but I just don’t particularly care for them. While I enjoy thrillers along the lines of Silence of the Lambs/ Hannibal, I have never seen any of the Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Saw, or Halloween movies.  My disinterest in these movies, my dislike of being scared in general, and the diminishing quality of several of the later entries certainly explains why I have never seen one film in any of these long running serieses... series... serii.  And yet I have seen at least 4 of the Resident Evil movies, I have seen Pitch Black and the first Riddick movie, I have seen 2 of the Transporter films -- I am not above seeing dumb action movies that are sort of not that great.  In fact, dumb action movies that are sort of not that great are kind of my jam.  If I’m folding laundry, popping on The Day After Tomorrow sounds like a fun way to spend an afternoon. Explosions, cheesy dialogue, bunch of people running around, not a lot to think about -- there are a LOT of times where that is all I want or need.  

And yet, I have a confession to make:  I am a Fur-gin.  No, not a furgin, a novitiate in the exciting world of fur-based sex play (not my deal, but whatever floats your boat, America), a Feurgin, a Fürgin, a… I’ve never seen a Fast and Furious movie.  It is actually kind of surprising that I have gone so long without having seen a single entry in this series which now boasts 7 films with an 8th on the way next year.  I’ve seen Gone in Sixty Seconds at least twice and it is basically the same thing, right?  No really, I have no idea.  What is even more surprising about the fact that I have never seen a single Fast and Furious movie is that I have somehow managed to remain spoiler free and entirely ignorant of even the most basics of the plot and characters.  This is seemingly unheard of for somebody who spends a lot of time online.  I have only ever seen the first Twilight movie and even I know that Bella has some kind of weird mutant half vampire baby at the end.

What IS Fast and Furious?  The first film, from the trailers I remember as a teen, looked a lot like a remake of Point Break but with cars.  How can you make 7 remakes of Point Break with cars?  The trailers for the more recent entries in the series feature even more explosions, more preposterous action sequences involving helicopters etc.  What the hell are these films about?  They certainly seem to feature a lot of car chases, but why are they chasing each other?  Are they running away from bad

Aww yeah! Sweet ride!
This will be perfect for... robbing banks?
Is that what we do? 

guys?  The police?  Are they just racing for fun?  It doesn’t look like fun.  It looks like they are forced into racing.  Why are they forced into racing?  Did somebody kidnap their kid and make them race or their kid would die?  This seems like a pretty tenuous plot to extend to 7 movies.  There are a lot of films that I haven’t seen but of which I have a general understanding of the plot based on trailers alone.  The Grey is a perfect example.  I have never seen The Grey but I know that Liam Neeson and some other dudes crash land in the snow and fight/ get eaten by wolves. The trailers made this very clear. The Fast and the Furious trailers on the other hand, at least the more recent ones, don’t even bother trying to tell you what the series is about.  They assume that you already have an understanding of the Furious reality, the füreality, and are content to simply show you flashes of action, explosions, and dramatic (surprise?) entrances of characters the audience presumably already knows.  

So I have decided to set out and watch all of the Fast and Furious movies and write about them.  I think you probably already saw this coming.  Just to get it out of the way here is a quick Q & A.

Question: When can we expect you to post about these movies?  Every Wednesday?  Twice a week?

Whenever the fuck I feel like watching/ writing.  I am not an actual journalist, remember

Question: Really, you have NEVER seen any of the movies before and you have NO idea what they are about?

Yes, I really have never seen any of the movies and I don’t know what they are about.  All I know is that Vin Diesel is in most (all?) of them and Paul Walker was before he died and Paul Walker and Vin Diesel were best friends and it was really sad when Paul Walker died and now that he is dead they probably had to kill off his character or maybe make a hologram or something.  Also The Rock is in them now apparently.   

Question: Why have you decided to undertake this mission now?  You haven’t seen any of the movies before, why is now special?

The first 3 movies are finally on Netflix streaming

Question: Are you watching these movies just to make fun of them?

I genuinely do not know.  I have made it my mission to watch all of these films and I really have no idea how much I am going to enjoy them.  There are dumb action movies I can watch and just enjoy, there are dumb action movies that I watch and mostly just talk through MST3K style.  Which will these be?  No idea.

Question: There probably have been other people who watched all the Fast and Furious movies and wrote about them.  Even if you haven’t seen the movies, are you going to read other blogs, reviews, or IMDB pages?

R.I.P. Paul Walker

No.  I am going to do my utmost to remain as ignorant of these films as possible.  I would appreciate friends not spoiling these movies for me, if there are in fact any spoilers to be had in a series about a group of spies who travel the world in their sentient cars in search of the enchanted crystal and to avenge the death of Paul Walker or whatever the plot of the movies happen to be.  

So there you have it, folks.  While you cannot expect any regularity in my publishing, I am watching the first movie tonight, so expect an update soon.