Jumping on the Bandwagon: Hey, its THAT guy!

You might say I'm a fangirl. You might say. I think there are degrees of fandom, and I certainly do fall into the range of borderline obsession that in my mind defines a true "fan." But, in some ways I will never meet the qualifications that set a person a part as a "diehard fan" or "superfan" or "expert." On the internet especially, there exists a whole culture of these uberfans who can name specific episodes of Star Trek or can speak Elvish or recite lines from books etc... And I will never be one. For some people this wouldn't matter, for some these crazed fanboys/girls are objects of scorn; but for me, to never be one is sort of disappointing. It is disappointing because to be able to recite lines from memory or name specific pages of a book or speak Elvish seems to be an indication that a person TRULY likes something and I can't.

I own three Doctor Who t-shirts and a homemade paper tardis. I only JUST read the Song of Ice and Fire literally within the past 3 months, but started to post on message boards and fan sites almost immediately (even though, if we are being honest, I will always love the writing style of a Neil Gaiman or Patrick Rothfuss more than I ever will like GRRM). I own signed first editions of both Name of the Wind and Wise Man's Fear. I've been to Comic Con 4 times. I've been to midnight screenings of Lord of the Rings and midnight book releases of Harry Potter. But sometimes I feel inadequate when it comes to the level of my fandom. Not because I love these things any less than any other geek, certainly. I remember vividly reading Name of the Wind for the first time and getting completely captivated by the story, falling in love with Kvothe and the world Patrick Rothfuss created. There was something about it that struck me as so beautiful and sad, and the writing was so lyrical and lovely. But if you asked me the names of all of Kvothes friends I couldn't tell you. As much as I love Harry Potter, I can't off the top of my head tell you the name of that centaur guy or when he taught at Hogwarts (after Trelawney was sacked? Was he in Half Blood Prince too?). The episode "Blink" of Doctor Who was phenomenal. I always tell people who want to start watching the show to see it first to get an idea of what the show will be like. But aside from its setting (70s?) and the Weeping Angels there isn't a whole lot I remember about it specifically. Just that it was good. Does that mean that I like it any less? Or that I'm not a fan? Or does it just mean that I have a really terrible memory?

When it comes to competitive fandom, the competition is not, as I had thought, in how much one likes something, but more in how much one remembers. I can't remember what I had for lunch 2 days ago or where I was when I found out my grandfather had passed away or what kind of chicken was served at my wedding. Nor can I remember off hand what books I read last year, which is why I keep track of them on Shelfari. Hell, if pressed I couldn't even tell you all the books I've read/ listened to so far THIS year without looking it up. In case you are wondering, they are:

Caught Stealing, The Devil and Sherlock Holmes, Wise Man's Fear, The Rise and Fall of Mount Majestic, The Hunter (graphic novel version), Copper, Game of Thrones, Storm of Swords, Clash of Kings, Feast for Crows, Dance With Dragons, Deathless, Zita the Spacegirl, The Emerald Atlas, Moon Over Manifest, Among Others, Bossypants, Gil's All Fright Diner, The King of Elfland's Daughter, 11 Birthdays, Nine Princes in Amber and Neverwhere (on audio). I'm currently reading Map of Time which is far and away the most enjoyable thing I've read all year (review to follow).

So maybe the problem is I read too much. But then, I can't really remember the details of a lot of movies, with the exception of those I've seen over three times, and there are shows I've watched full seasons of without knowing the names of half the characters. The truth is, I think even if I read just one book a year I wouldn't remember it with the level of detail other people seem to. I don't remember what artists sing what songs, I don't remember the names of people in bands, I do inexplicably remember the names of actors, I don't remember significant plot details in books I read 6 months ago, and I can't tell you the names of all my high school teachers, except for the few that really made an impact on me. I remember vividly when I asked Michael Chabon whether he was going to write a treatment for Spider-Man 2 (after he had for the first Spider-Man) at a book signing in Berkeley and he and half the audience laughed at me. But I don't remember what it was like to drive a car for the first time. I'm weird like that.

Is the point of all this that I need to pay attention more to what I'm reading or hearing or watching? I don't even know. I am completely engrossed when I'm immersed in something, but then it all seems to go away. I did well on tests in high school and college, but have trouble recalling what I learned after I took the test. I have Moonwalking with Einstein on hold and it remains to be seen whether it will solve all of my problems or just be another book I forget. But maybe the real point is that fandom shouldn't be measured in degrees at all. I should be able to say that I love a particular movie or book or comic or tv show without having to prove that I REALLY do by spouting chapter and verse or naming all the obscure secondary characters that live and work in Jabba's Palace. Because the bottom line is, being a fan is about devotion, love, and commitment, and let me tell you something, I'm committed and devoted to my husband, but I couldn't tell you his driver's license number by heart.

Remembering Memories Never Had and Times Forgotten

So it is kind of a running joke among my family and friends that I take a ridiculous amount of photos of my baby. Yes my baby is cute, and yes I am a first time mom so naturally I'm going to get excited about every little thing she does, but this doesn't really get to the heart of why I take so many pictures. I live close to 200 miles away from my parents, my nearest relative. My husband's family is in San Jose, my brother lives in New York (though he was in Italy this past semester), I have uncles living in Maryland and Sacramento and Washington state. I have friends in Missouri and Texas and New York and none of them has ever met my baby. So in part I photograph for them. I want those closest to me to get to know my baby as best as they can given the distance and difficulty/ expense of travel. I want my cousins to be able to know her even if they can't hold her and I want my parents to see how much she grows even in the month between visits.

But mostly I don't photograph for other people. I photograph for myself. I photograph for myself because I worry that if I don't take pictures that the memories will pass me by. That I will forget how much she liked to eat her toes or how silly she looks when she kicks her legs to bounce herself in her bouncy seat. I need to capture that time she laughed or looked silly because I might never see it again. And I really might not. She used to be obsessed with making raspberry noises. She spent a full hour in the evening one time making raspberries and getting her self covered in saliva. It was adorable. Haven't seen it since. Does she do it all the time? Truthfully, I wouldn't know. I'm away from my baby 11 hours a day Monday-Thursday. I miss out on a vast majority of my child's life. On Mondays and Thursdays when i come home at 8:30 most of the time she is already asleep. I haven't seen her since I dropped her off at 9:45 that morning and I just get to nurse her in the middle of the night when she wakes up and play with her a bit in the morning before I have to drop her off at 7:40 the next day. The other day, day care sent home a picture of her holding hands with another baby. I don't know this baby's name. Apparently they play all the time, but its not one of the kids I see in the morning when I drop her off. She looks so happy in the picture. But I wasn't there. Now that she can sit up kinda, they tell me they like to sit her in this little toy corral they have and kind of prop her up with toys. She loves it. I've never seen it before. They don't have a picture. In the few minutes I have with her in the morning when I drop her off I don't have the opportunity to see her really interact with the other kids, and my husband is the one who picks her up. When I ask how she is, his frequent response is, "What do you what? She had a good day. She spit up on herself so she's in her change of clothes and they put her hair in pigtails." They put her hair in pigtails a lot. I love that they do it because its so cute, but I wish I was the first one to style my daughter's hair and not somebody else. I have done with my child what I frequently cannot do in the rest of my life: relinquish control. When my husband has her in the evenings before I get home from work he sometimes lets her cry herself to sleep when he knows she needs a nap instead of rocking her. He gave her applesauce without me being there. They have a game they play when he changes her diaper that I've never seen. He makes a face that makes her laugh but I can't copy it. At day care they played with bubbles the other day and she apparently really liked it a lot and I wasn't there to see the expression on her face. I wasn't there to remember it. And of course, my baby won't remember it when she's older either and she can't tell me how she felt when she saw the bubbles pop. It was a memory that just went away.

The common expression is: if a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around, does it make a sound? I guess a more appropriate expression in this case is: if a baby laughs and her mother isn't around, who will remember it. Her father will if its one of the times he's with her by himself, but he doesn't really take pictures of things like I do. The women at day care will for a time before new kids come along. But somehow I suspect that every little moment isn't quite as important to them. It is to me, though. Because those are moments that will never come again. Sure they will be replaced by new memories, but I still feel like something is lost. One day she genuinely laughed for me for the first time while I was changing her diaper. It was a real hearty chuckle not just a squeal. I don't know if that's the first time she laughed. I guess I'll never know. Sure if she rolled over for the first time at day care they would have told me (thankfully she saved that for me: even her dad was in the bathroom, it was just a moment between the two of us). But would they really know if that was the first time she laughed? You could say that it doesn't really matter, that she can do it now and first times are often forgotten. But it matters to me.

So I take pictures. I take probably a dozen pictures a week. Many more if we go on trips or visit with family. I take pictures of her in various poses, I take video of her making silly noises. I take picture after picture trying to hold on to the moments I do have with her before I have to go back to work and be away from her again. If I could be with her all the time, I think that I would miss the sense of satisfaction I get helping people at the library. But if only I could be with her MORE. Unfortunately, I can't. Right now working any less than I do isn't a financial possibility and now isn't exactly the time to turn down work. So I take pictures. And I look at them when I'm pumping milk in a storage closet. And I think about the memories I can make when I'm with her again on the Fridays I have off. And the memories my husband and I can make with her when we are all together on the weekend. And the memories my parents and family and friends can make with her when they see her too. And it makes those moments all the more precious.