Thursday, March 09, 2017

Imaginary Conversations - Quiet

You've been kind of quiet lately


Do you want to talk about anything?  I mean there is a lot going on


You don't want to talk?  Not at all?

I just... I don't even know what to say.  I don't even know what to say that hasn't already been said, that I've already said to you, that other people have said better, that I've seen in the news.  Just... nothing.  Everything is complete and utter shit is that what you want to hear?

I just want to be here for you.  I just want you to know that you have somebody who will listen to you.  If you don't want to talk, don't talk.  That's okay too.



You know what the shittiest thing of all is?


I can't shut it out. I used to be able to.  I mean it is horrible of me, but I used to be able to shut it out.  Before... before the election, before this whole thing I just... I mean I knew people were suffering.  I wasn't dumb.  But I guess I was... well it didn't really affect me directly and I was kind of selfish and shitty and... I dunno I just shut it out.  I mean I got angry, don't get me wrong but... but I didn't think about it constantly.

I mean of course you didn't.  We talked about this after Orlando, I think.  That tragedy causes us to react, that we don't mourn every single person that dies in car accidents or murdered by their spouses or killed in a war.  You can't possibly carry that burden around with you all the time

See... that's my problem.  Its like... it used to be specific.  It used be like... .I dunno... like for a week I would carry Philando Castile's name in my heart and I would think about him and how the police are such shit but then after a week or maybe even less than a week I would let him go.  It was just one... it was like one at a time... or maybe like in the case of Orlando or bigger things its like I would think about those people at once. I would think about one act of terror, one shooting, one thing.  They would be there in my heart and then they would be gone.  I... It was kind of fake.  I know it is fake.  It is like those people who changed their profile to the French flag after the attacks or whatever it is just such superficial mourning bullshit I don't know...

What are you trying to say?

What I'm trying to say is... What I'm trying to say is that it isn't going away anymore.  What I'm trying to say is that even right after those police shootings I would say that is shitty and part of me would move on.  And maybe that was good.  Maybe it was good to move on because I can't carry the anger and sadness with me all the time.  Or maybe it was bad because I allowed myself to be comfortable in my life and not care enough.  I don't know.  In either case I let it go.  I could go to the movies, I could go about my day, I could live my life...

And now?

I can't live anymore

You can't... do you need to talk to somebody?  Are you thinking of hurting yourself?

No, no.. not I can't live... I mean I can't LIVE.  Like... I can't just zone out.  I can't just get drunk and watch a silly movie.  I haven't been able to just completely turn it off.  Even if I'm high and watching old episodes of Parks and Rec I am thinking about how we are completely and totally fucked.  Even when I am looking at cat pictures on my computer, I have another window open of like fucking nuclear bunkers for sale near by.  I haven't been able to read an actual book in ages.  I can't concentrate.  I can't focus.  Every time I lie in bed at night in the dark, in the quiet... The quiet isn't quiet.  My mind is full of thoughts and I can't shut it off.

That's anxiety.

Well no shit

I mean it though, that is the kind of anxiety that you need to get help for.

But I don't want help.  I mean I want help but not the kind pills can give me.  Unless they are pills I can slip into the drink of our new dictator that will take care of the problem permanently.

I thought you said you weren't going to talk like that anymore


It's okay, you just really need to think about what you are saying.

No, you know what?  I'm not sorry.  I'm not fucking sorry.  I want him dead, ok.  That's it.  I am in absolutely no position to take care of it myself, though god I wish I was, but I do.  I know it won't solve all the problems, I know that maybe it won't do anything at all, but god help me I want him dead more than I have ever wanted anything in my life.  He is a fucking cancer.

This kind of thinking isn't healthy and its also kind of... I dunno... like treason-ish

Fuck it.  So often people talk about like using a magical god damn time machine and killing Hitler and whatever and here we are and we don't need any time machine at all and where are all these people now, huh?  Nobody will just go out there and say it.  Well here I am.  I'm saying it.  We need to roll out a god damned guillotine and start the fucking Revolution already

But you aren't, are you

No.  No.  Fuck it.  Fuck. I know.  That's the point.  I am pissed off that nobody is doing anything but I'm not doing anything either.  I guess I just thought there would be people better than me, leaders... I don't know.  And revolutions are bullshit and they never end well and the poor and vulnerable never get all that they hoped for and.... god damn it, nothing really will help will it?

I wouldn't...

No.  I mean that's it. Nothing will fucking help.  Nothing ever changes.  Nothing ever happens.  We are just screwed

I think... and I am not trying to attack you or anything... but I think because you are thinking in extremes you are contenting yourself to inaction and fantasies.  Yes, an actual honest to god revolution would be horrible and bloody and awful for so, so many people.  And yet you seem to think that the only other alternative is helplessness, is just a loss of hope entirely, is a resignation of complete and total destruction.  There has to be some kind of middle path.

I know there is.  I know there does... but I can't even see it.  I can't even see that far.  I feel like I'm drowning and I don't even see land.

So start swimming

But what is the point?  I don't know where to go.  I don't know what direction to swim in.

So you want to just drown?

But... I don't know if this swimming analogy even really works because I'm not even swimming.  To say that I'm swimming implies that I have some kind of control at all.  All I can do is call people and speak to interns.  What the fuck good does that do?  These people don't care.

So do something else


It isn't my job to figure that out for you

Well then what fucking help was that

I said I would be here for you, not that I could solve all your problems that easily


I think there is a march next week are you marching?

Yes I'm marching.  Yes I'm fucking marching.  I would march every god damn day if I felt it would do something.  Well... no.  No I wouldn't, would I?  I need to go to work and I have shit that I am responsible for I am not in a position to actually get arrested or anything.  How did those people do it?  How did they risk so much?  It makes me depressed.

How so?

It makes me depressed that these people risked everything, risked their lives, got beaten and spat on and boycotted even though it was financially hard on them and we sit here and we have a holiday celebrating the best of them, celebrating Dr. King, but when it comes down to it, when it really comes down to it, I am not... I'm not worthy. I am not good enough... I don't stand up.  It is all easier in abstraction, easier to say what you might do when it isn't actually happening.  It is easier to think about in theory.  I'm just mad at myself.

Mad that you don't do enough?

Yes, exactly.  Mad that I say that I will live by the examples of the people who came before me, of the union workers who went on strike in the bitter cold, of the civil rights leaders and on and on... How am I really living by their example as comfortable as I am?  And yet instead of doing something, instead of getting out there, I sit in the quiet and let my anxiety consume me, miserable about the future but feeling incapable of doing anything.  I don't know what to do.

Neither do I

That isn't very helpful

I know

I just have to do something

Maybe we will figure it out together

Would you do that?



Are you feeling more hopeful?


"Eh" is better than no

Yeah, I guess it is.  I guess "eh" is better than no.

I can work with "Eh"

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