Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Imaginary Conversations - This is Fine

This is the latest in my series of Imaginary Conversations.  You can read the rest here.

So how are you holding up?

What do you mean?

I mean, you were pretty stressed out before.  I'm just wondering how you are handling everything. There have been a lot of scary things in the news lately; I just want to make sure you are ok.

Oh!  Yeah, I'm fine.

Are you sure?  I just want you to know that if you need anybody to talk to I am here for you.  Or you could talk to like a professional or something

No, I don't think that's necessary.  I'm fine.  I realized I was overreacting

Oh... oh well if you are sure.

Yeah.  I mean, nothing has happened yet and I was getting myself all worked up over nothing.

Well, I don't know if it was nothing.  I think it is okay to feel a little anxious about what the future holds.

No, it was silly. Everything is fine.  I really think we need to just give him a chance and the universe will just work itself out

Um... this really doesn't sound like you at all

I don't know what you mean.  This is exactly how I sound.  I'm talking aren't I?

Well... yeaaahhh... but I mean, you being so optimistic and saying you will give him a chance and all that.  You sound kind of... you are kind of freaking me out actually by how calm you seem today.  I mean I don't want you freaking out all the time and I was actually getting kind of worried about you talking about the end of the world, but now you seem sort of... off.

I really don't know what you are talking about.  I was really stressed out before and taking my stress out on the world, trying to place blame on others when the blame is really on myself.  It was a lot easier to say the world was going to end than to admit that I hadn't done anything productive with my life.

Um... well... no, I mean no that isn't exactly what you were talking about before.  I mean, you were talking about the end of the world but you were also talking about how you are scared and angry and like... wanted to murder the...

Hahahah.  You are so funny.  Always making jokes.

Riiiight.  I mean you weren't actually going to go out and do anything, but I don't think that you were joking when you said you would be happy if he just dropped....

Let me stop you right there.  Are you implying that I wish harm done to the president elect, the man whom our nation voted into office by an overwhelming margin?  Why nothing can be further from the truth!  This is America, and I firmly believe in democracy.  We don't throw a fit when we don't get our way.  That would be just silly and wrong.  We rally behind our leaders and we pray to our Almighty God that they have the strength to protect this glorious and beautiful nation.

Okay now I am officially creeped the fuck out.  Have you eaten or drunk anything unusual lately?  Have you been visited by people wearing matching jumpsuits?

Well I don't have the slightest idea what that is implying. I just love America and everything that America stands for.  We just all need to be good patriots and realize that even though that crooked, horrible woman I inexplicably voted for didn't win the election that it will all be for the best and we will grow stronger and more prosperous along the way.

What in the actual fuck is happening right now?

You seem really agitated.  Perhaps you need to relax.  Maybe watch one of your favorite humorous TV shows.  Might I suggest Family Guy?  So hilarious.

What... I just... are you...

Don't stutter dear.  Speak English properly like a good American does.  We are all good Americans and we all speak English very good.

Very well, you mean

Well... good... it's all the same isn't it.  No need to be an elitist about it.

I mean I'm no grammar Nazi but...

Oh there you go with the Nazi again.  Always with the hyperbole.  We need to just get that word out of our vocabulary, shall we.

Um... I'm not gonna lie I am kind of scared right now.  Like legit pretty terrified.  Did you go to a reeducation camp or something?  What the fuck happened to you?

Nothing happened.  Nothing happened at all.  Everything is fine.  This is all fine.  We are all fine.

Well, except for the people that aren't fine.  Except for the people under rubble in Aleppo, the people who will lose their health insurance, who will be discriminated against, who will die.  Those people aren't fine.  The mentally disabled black boy who was raped by a white student who will get no jail time isn't fine.  The young men shot by police aren't fine.  The Muslims kicked off of planes aren't fine.  Lots of people won't be fine.  This is not fucking fine at all.

Oh my goodness, you are worked up

Will you quit it with the fucking oh my goodness bullshit.  You sound like the 2 dimensional antagonist in a fucking bad dystopian novel right now.  Quit the fucking around and talk like yourself.

This is myself.  This is me.  I am talking.  Nobody else is talking for me.  These opinions are mine.

Bull fucking shit.  I was just talking to you the other day and you were talking about doomsday clocks counting down and some kind of totalitarian regime.  You said we were becoming like Libya or whatever.  You were even talking about deleting your facebook and twitter because you were worried about all that stuff you said about killing... Wait a minute


Are you doing some kind of crazy ass method acting right now?  Are you preparing for government intrusion on our internet conversations?  Are you fucking with me?

Why, whatever do you mean?

You are fucking with me aren't you?  You are pretending to be some kind of good little American because you are worried about the corrupt FBI spying on your conversations or something aren't you? You saw that he is still being guarded by private security instead of the Secret Service and you are thinking this is how the Gestapo began, right?  I get it now.

Hahahah What an overactive imagination you have! And there is absolutely no reason why I would need to pretend to be a good little American because I AM a good American.  I love America so very, very much.  I love the flag and everything it stands for.  I love that we live in a good and strong Christian nation with the greatest and best military in the world and the greatest and best economy that will only get greater and better.   Everything is going to be just fine and dandy.

Uh huh...

Absolutely.  And of course any undesirable people who are not fine and dandy might need a nudge in the right direction.  But certainly not me because I am a good American and I love my country so very much.

HAH! I knew it.

Knew what?  Knew just how much I love my dear and precious America.  That gorgeous and beautiful flag that I love so much I want to roll around on it with my naked body.

Um... really?  Naked body?

Too far, huh?

Uh... yeah, just a bit.

Dammit.  I need to dial it back.

I totally called it

Called what, dear?

I called it.  I called that you are doing a bit.  You are doing this long and involved bit to prove some kind of stupid point.

Not at all.  I really and truly love America this much!  And while I don't agree with everything our new Dear Leader has to say, I will obey his commands because he will be, after all, the Commander in Chief.

Yeah that was a little much again.

A bit much to love our leaders as much as I love our nation?  That is "a bit much" is it?  Well, I really don't even know what to say to that.

Okay this bit is getting old.  I already caught you.  You already broke character.

That's preposterous.  There is no character to break.  This is just me.  Me and only me being me.  Telling you truthfully how very much I love our country.

Ugh. Enough already.  Change of topic.  Did you see Rogue One?

You mean that film about those terrorists who destroyed a government instillation in an attempt to smuggle out state secrets?

Alright, I'm done with this conversation now.

Aww don't go.

Are you willing to admit that you are just doing some dumb Stepford character yet?  Are you willing to talk to me like an actual human being because I'm fucking done having a conversation with a robot.

Not all robots are bad

Well no, I mean I think robots are actually pretty cool.  I don't mean to talk smack about robots.

Robots just comply with their programming.  K2S0 was an Imperial droid before he was reprogrammed.

Yes.... Yes he was

And if a droid were, say, behind Imperial lines trying to go undetected then the droid might not want to draw attention to itself

Uh huh... So is that is what is happening now?

It... it might

And is the droid scared?  Is it doing its little scared bloops and bleeps?

Um... bloop

I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.  Are you going to be okay?  I mean really?

I don't even know what okay means anymore.

I know.

This isn't fine.


This isn't normal.


Will we... what's gonna happen?

I don't know.

They assassinated that dude


I didn't really think people just got straight up assassinated anymore


I watched that movie Suffragette the other day

How was it?

Eh it was okay. A little slow.  Did you know those ladies burned houses down and shit? They bombed Lloyd George's house.

I did not

Neither did I.  I thought the suffragettes just marched in parades and stuff.  It turns out they were kind of like terrorists a little bit.

But they were right weren't they?

I know, that's the thing

So what are you saying?

Nothing.  Nothing at all.  Just saw a movie is all.  It made me think.


Uh.. um... nothing.  Just, ya know in general.  Too much thinking is bad for my delicate female brain though.  I should probably stop.


Um... we should probably end this conversation before I say something I shouldn't.

That might be a good idea.

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