|Why is this guy 10x hotter than he would be|
without the kid with him?
|Ann Dunham and her adorable future pres|
Conversation 1: "Well I would have just stuck with it for the sake of the kids."
Hmm.. Boy I never thought of that! Let's go back and make that an option for me instead of how my ex told me he didn't want to be married any more and I had to move out of the house that I couldn't afford on my own. But you are right, it was just I didn't TRY enough. Thanks for the advice, stranger. This also is completely dismissive of the happiness/ well being of the adults in the relationship. Why don't their feelings matter too?
|Ahhh! Not Statistics!! |
Thanks for the info, Heritage Foundation!
This will be SUPER useful to me
Oooooh don't even get me started on this one. First of all the implication is that being a single mom is a voluntary decision for everyone. Some women lack the knowledge or ability to acquire birth control. Some women, because of religious indoctrination, have been told that birth control is wrong, seemingly implying that they just shouldn't have sex their entire lives outside of marriage. Some women WERE in committed relationships, some married, some not, when they conceived their children. To imagine that everybody has the foresight to know whether a relationship will stand the test of time presumes that women have some kind of precognitive powers from a Philip K Dick novel and aren't, ya know, human beings. Finally there are those women who DO choose to have children on their own and they seem to be doing just fine. I think that episode of Murphy Brown is like 20 years old now. The world has moved past your notions of traditional family, asshole.
|Welp, I guess I have to be an octopus now|
Well, I don't. I have joint custody. People have this preconceived notion that being a mom who happens to besingle means that you are a "single mom." A "single mom" is a women who raises her kids entirely on her own with the ex absent entirely or neglectful. A "single mom" is somebody who overcomes adversity and puts herself through school and with the support of her parents ends up raising the next President of the United States. By this metric I am not a "single mom." I have joint custody of my daughter with my ex, truly joint custody where we split every week. Her father is just as much a part of her life as I am. She spends just as much time with him as she does me. That burden of responsibility isn't on me all the time and, if I am being honest, I don't hate it. After 3.5 years of being the one who woke up to breastfeed, who took care of nightmares, who woke up at 5:30-6 nearly every single day, who made lunches, who planned play dates, who bought clothes, it doesn't suck that now I have a few days to myself in the middle of the week. It certainly doesn't suck when I can make plans to go to see comedy shows or to the movies on the weekend or go out to drinks with people I meet online and I don't have to worry about a babysitter. Nope, it's just time for myself, just for me. I look at my friends who have two, sometimes three kids, who work full time and care for their families all the time with no break, and I recall my life before I separated from my ex and I think, "Gosh... I don't miss that at all." There was a time when I felt so guilty for even entertaining the notion of enjoying my life outside the role of mother. Now I have no choice. Now if it is a Tuesday that she is scheduled to be at her dad's it is a Tuesday she is scheduled to be at her dad's. That feeling of shoulds, that weight of responsibility, that guilt all just goes away. The question of course is what remains? That has been my real journey these past few months. After "mother" defined me for so many years, just being "me" has been something that I have genuinely struggled with.
|Apparently this is how I am supposed to look|
Conversation 4: "That fucking asshole"
|Yikes! Did you really need to buy a shirt?|
|Isn't this FUN!|
I can't wait to do it again in two days with
somebody completely different
These people want to hear about sex. They want to hear about all the single lady sex you are having now. I hear this a LOT from married people who are always super curious about what it is like to date again, who want to relive glory days, who want some new real life romance novel shit to think about while they are having hurried sex with their spouses before Fallon comes on. They are also sometimes SUPER set on this idea that everybody who is single must be immediately looking to get into another long term relationship. Fun fact: They AREN'T! Sometimes they want to hear that you are dating people because they want to know if you are happy, as if happiness is defined by being in a relationship or having a ton of sex.
So maybe the key to talking to "single moms" or "moms who happen to be single" is to just go into a conversation without preconceived notions. Don't assume that they will be sad about their relationship ending, but don't assume that they are over the moon happy about it either. If you are wondering how they are doing then ask open ended questions, rather than ones with answers you have already come up with in your head. Nobody died. This is really important to remember. The kind of sympathy you would give to somebody over a lost job or a lost loved one is not the same as you would give to somebody who lost a marriage. Emotions can be very mixed. For some people the rawness of the breakup can be very painful and they might not want to talk about it. For others, the implication that they should be sad about leaving a relationship that was unhealthy for them makes them feel as though they did something wrong. Also don't assume that they "lost" a marriage/ relationship. Maybe they are single moms by choice.
Have an open mind. Know that being a single mom or a mom that happens to be single CAN be very challenging, but for reasons that you might not have considered. When you are the only single mom taking your daughter to Sunday school classes, this can be very isolating. Seeing happy families together or going to weddings can sometimes trigger feelings of sadness, but this doesn't necessarily mean that you want to get married again now, soon, or ever. Being the only single person among married friends with kids can be frustrating. Everyone has unsolicited advice or opinions, and it is hard to find people to go to a club with even though you don't really like going to clubs and you are at the age where they are kind of too loud, but still you wouldn't mind trying to go to one if you had a winglady but they are busy with their own mom stuff you used to have to worry about when you didn't have your days off from the kid. Try to withhold judgment and opinion until you really understand what it is like. And unless you plan on becoming a single mom (which for some people is physically impossible) and not just one kind of single mom, but every single mom in existence, then you really can't know. So just do the best you can as a friend, and know what you don't know.